What an exciting discovery. Have you ever asked yourself how do you use your arms? What do you do with them? Do you pull yourself forward? Pull things to you? Do you stretch them? tense them? let them hang to the sides of your body? Are they making you heavier or do they carry you forward? Or both? If nobody has ever told you, then i am happy to do it: Your arms are yours! Both of them! You can do with them whatever you want. When you walk, stand, dance… Try it: shake them, throw them, throw yourself with them, stretch them and follow them as long as you can, spiral with them and see where they take you, let them hang and move and see how it feels.
I don’t know why it came into my mind right now. I just recall some conversation a long time ago where the main topic was whether people can change or not. I remember someone (i think it was a woman or a girl) had a strong opinion about this, namely that people can not change. Maybe this conversation was in some movie that i watched? Of course i am thinking: this probably comes into my mind because i am asking myself if i can change. But on second thought i think i am not really asking myself whether i can change but rather i observe myself changing and i am trying to take a stand regarding to this observation. How should i feel about this? Can i believe and accept this obvservation and even share this with other people? Or is my mind playing tricks on me and do i fall into my own trap when i tell myself that i have changed?
But it really seems to me quite limiting to think that people cannot change. No matter what the “answer” to this question is, i think it’s more useful to believe that change is possible. I guess also the question one has to ask is what is change? If someone has some pattern that they are stuck with for their whole life, can there still be a change even if this pattern never stops? An insight is a change, isn’t it? Becoming aware of something opens some possibilities: perhaps the possibility of choice – doing something or not doing it, and if not then maybe other possibilities, like realising your own actions and their consequences…
Time to bring back some life to my undernourished blog…
I am here in Freiburg, and so is autumn. Even if the colors are not quite here yet and the leaves still think they can stay hanging on their trees forever, it’s here. Herbst in German, like harvest. And the generosity of nature is felt everywhere. Apples, plums, pears, berries, nuts and flowers.
It’s hot in Eilat. Very hot. But Eilat has a natural built in cooling device called the Red Sea. As long as you have the Red Sea within a few meters distance and you can go in as often as you like, life in Eilat can be very pleasant. Important things in Eilat are: a bottle of water, a hat, sunscrean, sunglasses, comfortable sandals or light sheos. Things to leave at home when coming to Eilat are jeans, socks, plans and stress.
Yesterday i finished reeding David Grossmans novel (i will have to return another time to write the title in English…) in hebrew it’s:
שתהיי לי הסכין
I was wondering if i was doing it right, i mean finishing a book. It feels like this event should be marked somehow. you cannot finish reading a book and then just go on with your normal every day activities. But that’s just what i did. And since i was thinking that i am not doing it right, i was trying to reflect about this book, about how it ended, how it fulfilled my expectations or not but every time i tried to reflect about it i found myself again reflecting about myself and my plans and my life but not about the book. Maybe i was just not drawn to reflect about this specific ending and this specific book. Maybe i do better reflecting on other books.
I liked Grossmans writing. And i am very curious about how this book was written. Two people writing letters to each other… did Grossman write one letter after another? And in what order? Did he imagine writing them or receiving them? Are there more letters that weren’t finally included in the novel? Did he visit the places he was writing about? Did he really take a break from writing when this break was a part of the letter? Yeah… would be nice to know!
It seems like all the internet cafees in Stuttgart smell of cigarettes. So i have to leave. Three more weeks here in Stuttgart and then a short visit to Freiburg and then Israel…
All the emails i send and get, and here and there a postcard, and the book i am reading, and the conversations i have with people, in this or that language or in no language. It all flows somewhere in my head, some drop of correspondence blends in with a conversation that flows down a blue tube and then pours into a pool of group emails, and then something hard, a stick or a straw, something left from last nights reading, a style, an idea, cuts in and moves the fluids in a new direction. I would like all of you to put your hand in every pool and stream, feel the different temperature and the changing tempo of flow. Try the other hand, maybe it feels different.
Celine Dion tells me that her heart will go on. Maybe that should be enough? Maybe asking for sense, continuity is too much? A beating heart is after all nothing to take lightly. My heart is also beating, i am sure. Allthough lately i have been busy feeling my neck, my jaw and all the other movement- preventing muscles that are activated when sitting by a table with plenty of food and very few words. In two days, somewhere near Berlin, with one dear friend and lots of people i dont know, hopefully the melting of the neck and the slow beginning of movement will start. And then i will know that my heart still goes on.
Finally some sunshine… Today the weather is really nice after a few days of unclear warm weather during the days and thunder storms in the evenings. And now i have spent one whole week as an au pair. It feels very strange to enter the world of parents, spending time with two little children in the kids’ swimming pool and thinking about what they will eat, what they will wear, what they can do which doesn’t hurt them or anybody else…
So far it has been going not too bad. The only exception is little Florian who got sick after the last visit to the swimming pool. But today he is already declaring everything to be “Mine! Mine!” so i think he will be ok. And i still have to find a better plan for myself for during the day. Maybe go jogging in the morning? Or go to the city library? Sitting in cafés costs money after all. And this internet caffee smells so bad of cigarettes! I don’t recommend it! It’s the one right across the Strassenbahn station Bad Cannstatt Wilhelmplatz. Don’t go there. Now i have to go out and get some air.
March 17 was the last time I added a new post, and now it’s been almost two months. I guess i haven’t done a very good job in keeping this blog alive and pulsating. The last post contained two pictures from the family trip to Rome and very little text. This makes me wonder how i feel about writing or expressing myself verbally or maybe in general. It’s as if i feel that i have to reach some state of stillness and clarity before i can sit down and write something that i will share with other people. Ohh… bad habit if you ever want to be considered interesting! Why not show what goes through my mind during those long periods of in-the-middle-of-something-that-i-don’t-know-the-end-of?
One thing that came to an end just a week ago was the Basis Projekt at Bewegungs-art. The other day i thought to myself that it would be great if all educations no matter what their content is, had this kind of see-if-you-like-it orientation/introduction course. It’s the closest thing to actually doing the education and so it’s probably the best way to see if you really want to do it. Idecisive people like me may still have trouble making a decision even after this orientation but i’m sure it can help even the worst doubters. As for myself, i am pretty sure now that i want to go on.
Maybe my difficulty to make a statement or somehow express myself when i feel like i am in the middle of something and my difficulty in making decisions are different sides of the same thing?