DIE ZUKUNFT VON GESTERN…
Feeling the first sparks of excitement as we come closer to the final rehearsal phase in September. The date is set, tickets can be purchased ! Go to Sophiensaele -> Programm -> Oktober -> 2/4/5/6/7.10 DIE ZUKUNFT VON GESTERN.
Lentils ! I am crazy about lentils these days. I take them as a symbol for all my good qualities – they are simple, rich, they take a long time until they are ready, they have an acquired taste that is very satisfying once it’s acquired, and they go well with rice.
This week i was thinking of something i heard from our teacher, as we were first walking and later running towards a wall with our eyes closed, reaching with our hands to catch ourselves when the wall was coming. She told us to notice this little moment of being nervous, affraid, just before hitting the wall. This feeling that arises because you know the wall is coming, is actually a kind of energy. It’s something stirring up inside of you. Maybe most people have the reaction of becoming stiff or shrinking or slowing down when they feel this but you can also use this feeling and bring it out in stead. Extend even more, speed up, direct this tension out instead of in.
Here are two very different approaches:
Through movement, through thinking about it and imagining it, try to soften your sternum and let it melt inwards. Your arms are long and alive and their power comes directly from the spine and goes through the sternum. Move and let your arms lead you into space. Do some body work together with a partner: help each other to feel your thorax changing as you breathe, moving up and down and in and out.
The other approach is: Lift your arms. Point your fingertips to the ceiling or the sky. Now stay there. Stay there very long until you start to worry. Then take the arms down, not completely but until they are parallel to the floor. Now stay there. Lengthen your arms more than you think you can and feel the sternum softening. Stay there more and more, until you can’t any more and then stay some more.
When you finally take your arms down you will feel different than you did before.
Maybe the reason why we build studios with wooden floors and dance in them is because we stopped walking. Not walking on asphalt or on some flat surface, this we still do. But walking on stones, on sand, climbing up a hill, crossing a stream, balancing on every step, grabbing the ground with the foot. There is so much dance in this. I realised this when i was walking with a friend up the Massada mountain near the Dead Sea. So now i’m very interested in walking.
Something is happening with my writing lately. Or more accurately, not much is happening with my writing lately. Not on paper and not over the internet.
Yesterday i thought for a moment that i had a new and deep insight about what it means to dance. But of course it wasn’t so deep and maybe it’s not even new. But anyway, i was just thinking of myself, my body, so much like millions of other bodies, all constructed after the same blueprint. And thinking of this body moving in a space defined by four walls, some windows, a ceiling and a wooden floor. It suddenly became clear to me that dancing is just taking this ability/action/phenomenon of moving and making art from it. You can also move on concrete, on sand, out in the sun, rain, dark, under water or in a cave. The choice of moving in a certain space with a certain type of floor is exactly like the choice of a painter to paint on a canvas and use a certain type of color.
And then the dancer can think of space, timing, expression, inner images, physical qualities and so on…. and the painter can think of perspective, light and shadow, composition, atmosphere, emotions and so on…
And also, today i was watching a rehearsal of the final pieces of AK08 of TIP, Bewegungs-art Freiburg. I was very happy to observe that i was watching with my feelings, noticing what kind of presence the dancers had, feeling sometimes an urge to tell one of them “Get up now and do something!” and also enjoying some things. I also feel less an urge to laugh while i watch, which i think is a very good sign.
That’s it for now (but i’m also very happy that germany won the eurovision song contest – it was really the best song!)
Two movies in one day! Big Eden – mountains, americans, native americans, gay love story, superficial, not very engaging, embarrassingly bad ending. Eyes Wide Open – Orthodox jews, gay love story, despair, oppression, poverty, faith, fundementalism, slow, realistic, quite convincing.
I think today i finally understood what it means to be gay. It means having emotions.
I don’t know how to express my anger.
Images of images of images…
Some things i want to learn. Some things i learn and then i know them. Some things i know i am learning but i still don’t know them. Some things i can’t wait to learn. Some things i don’t need to wait to learn. And some things i wonder if i am ever going to learn.
I am struggling to let my perception enter my mind and my body. I never imagined this would be a struggle. Is it meaningful to have this struggle? Can i be the winner in this struggle? Anyway… i love this about dance. All these threads that connect so directly to the essense of being human. You move. You perceive. You feel. You move.
* * *
Now i know what it feels like when i feel hurt. I mean what the physical sensation is. It’s like a little scratching from the inside in two places at once: under the sternum and in the throat. I can really make this feeling appear whenever i want to if i just think of a few words that were said to me.
I want to want. I want to want to do what i do. I want to do what i want. I want to do and to want to do more. I want to do and do until i don’t want any more. I want to not want to do anything except for what i do. I want to want to be me. I want to want to want. I want to do what i would want to do. I want to do what i do when i want. I want to do what makes me want. I want to know what i want to do. I want to do what i want to know how to do. I know how to do what i want to do when i know what i want.
“Find what interests you” – CRRRRRAAAAAASH
How do i find what interests me? How do i know? How do i go on if this is such a problem? What does it feel like when something interests me? Do i feel it in my body? Where? Or do i know it with my mind?
I have spent a lot of time this week being lost. I just realised it now. Maybe that’s why i am so tired. Lost in space, lost in improvisation, lost in trying to have images, lost in myself, my will and drive. Lost in connection to others, to another. Lost in the forest, lost in time. Lost in the story of my life. But i am still here and the world around me is still around me. I guess these are the basic things that never change. Is that a good thing?
I don’t know what i learnt this week. I feel a bit lost.
All these sources of input are like thin threads. I know they all come together somehow but first i have to grab them and feel where they are leading. My friend yochanan told me the last time i talked to him: “I am realizing more and more that i should trust my intuition”. Now, as if it wasn’t him who said this to me, i also feel a strong wish to dare more to go with my intuition and let go of all the rest. At least for a while, until i am sure i am holding this intuition thread safely in my hand and i can feel where it is leading me.
That was one thread.
Another was – hello eyes, hello ears, hello skin (and actually why not also hello nose, hello tongue). Use your senses when you dance. Seems like a pretty straight forward message, but when you try to do it you realize how easilly you find yourself doing only one of the two – sensing or moving. Then you realize it is about opening up on a very deep level so that the mind is taking in all that it can take in and the body doesn’t need to give up its own freedoms and movement can go on.