I don’t know how to express my anger.

Images of images of images…

Some things i want to learn. Some things i learn and then i know them. Some things i know i am learning but i still don’t know them. Some things i can’t wait to learn. Some things i don’t need to wait to learn. And some things i wonder if i am ever going to learn.

I am struggling to let my perception enter my mind and my body. I never imagined this would be a struggle. Is it meaningful to have this struggle? Can i be the winner in this struggle? Anyway… i love this about dance. All these threads that connect so directly to the essense of being human. You move. You perceive. You feel. You move.

* * *

Now i know what it feels like when i feel hurt. I mean what the physical sensation is. It’s like a little scratching from the inside in two places at once: under the sternum and in the throat. I can really make this feeling appear whenever i want to if i just think of a few words that were said to me.

I want to want. I want to want to do what i do. I want to do what i want. I want to do and to want to do more. I want to do and do until i don’t want any more. I want to not want to do anything except for what i do. I want to want to be me. I want to want to want. I want to do what i would want to do. I want to do what i do when i want. I want to do what makes me want. I want to know what i want to do. I want to do what i want to know how to do. I know how to do what i want to do when i know what i want.

“Find what interests you” – CRRRRRAAAAAASH
How do i find what interests me? How do i know? How do i go on if this is such a problem? What does it feel like when something interests me? Do i feel it in my body? Where? Or do i know it with my mind?

I have spent a lot of time this week being lost. I just realised it now. Maybe that’s why i am so tired. Lost in space, lost in improvisation, lost in trying to have images, lost in myself, my will and drive. Lost in connection to others, to another. Lost in the forest, lost in time. Lost in the story of my life. But i am still here and the world around me is still around me. I guess these are the basic things that never change. Is that a good thing?

I don’t know what i learnt this week. I feel a bit lost.

All these sources of input are like thin threads. I know they all come together somehow but first i have to grab them and feel where they are leading. My friend yochanan told me the last time i talked to him: “I am realizing more and more that i should trust my intuition”. Now, as if it wasn’t him who said this to me, i also feel a strong wish to dare more to go with my intuition and let go of all the rest. At least for a while, until i am sure i am holding this intuition thread safely in my hand and i can feel where it is leading me.

That was one thread.

Another was – hello eyes, hello ears, hello skin (and actually why not also hello nose, hello tongue). Use your senses when you dance. Seems like a pretty straight forward message, but when you try to do it you realize how easilly you find yourself doing only one of the two – sensing or moving. Then you realize it is about opening up on a very deep level so that the mind is taking in all that it can take in and the body doesn’t need to give up its own freedoms and movement can go on.