Up up up

“Up up up” was where i wanted to go. I didn’t know why and didn’t know the way to get there but somehow it felt good to have some goal. It also felt good to have a goal that was different from those my two companions, which made us separate and split in three different directions. Already after a few steps (maybe after 20 or 30 steps) i could feel that this was really what i wanted. To walk, alone, in my own pace, noticing as much as i want to notice, keeping the pace that feels right for me – not too fast to be able to see the forest but not too slow so that the walking becomes tiring. I kept a pace that kept my heart in a steady rythm of powerful pumping. I felt more alive, less holy and harmonious and yet in a more true relation with the woods. Some images came to me, of dancing or acting a grotesque act of love making to the point of orgasm with the forest. Taking my longing to be close to nature, or in the nature, and streching it to the point when it is too much, and i have to ask myself what is it that i am longing for. But, i am sure it has all been done before…
On the top of the mountain i couldn’t tell if my breathing and my puls were the result of the physical exertion or the result of my excitement to finally reach the top. Once i was there, i could see hills, mountains, a valley and a city in it and the sky. I knew i had some food in my bag but i felt no hunger.
The way down was beautiful. It was also on the way down that i started to glorify “my sadness”, as i like to call it. “I have this sadness in me” i was telling to the trees to my right and left “and it’s not a part of anything good, it’s just something dark, something sad”. Lucky me, the trees did not put on an understanding and empathic expression and nodded their heads but instead just kept shedding their leaves. Maybe this helped me to realise that i am not only bothered by other people’s difficulty to face this “sadness” and see it as it is, but i am also bothered by my own relation to this part of me. Suddenly Claudia’s words came back to me, or not exactly her words but the spirit of her words. You can experience sadness without being the sadness. you are not what you are feeling. You can witness whatever it is you are feeling and see it and the effect it has on you. So maybe as i am already aware of this darker part of me, maybe i can study it for a while. Notice when it comes, how long it stays, what do i do then and how do i perceive myself.
The autumn is beautiful !